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September 19 Where Am I?Many moons ago I had every intention of maintaining two blogs; this one and the other channel. I have always felt LiveSpaces had a lot going for it. Unfortunately, due to demands on my time (and my laziness) I was forced to choose one. MSN was just sooo dang slow that I went with Blogger.
So, if you like bizarre rants and obscure references, feel free to check me out here.
I may still come by here occasionally with a thought or two.
Thanks for stopping by here and encouraging me during those early days.
Bill February 16 Tour de CommodeI grew up in a typical midwestern city. The local radio station played two kinds of music....country and western. We had as many bars as we had churches. Some of the bars had hours 8:00 am - 8:00 pm...catering to the professional drinker. And the eating establishments were diners, local fast food, or pizza. The most international food on any menu was spaghetti. Because of this upbringing, my digestive system was tuned to fried chicken, hamburgers, swiss steak, and soup beans. Even in college, my exposure to any food outside my comfort zone (foreshadowing) was rare.
Fast forward to my move to "the big city" (mid '80s) when I got a job. My introduction to food variety started with chinese. First, egg rolls....then Lo Mein...then sweet and sour pork. And this was good...except for my first experience with hot mustard. I found out it was a bit different from my old French's. Anyway, bottom line is my body adjusted well. An ocassional twinge...but nothing too bad.
Then, it happened. I got too confident....too cocky. I began to think I could eat anything. Silly me.
Welcome Sushi. Wham. The first time I had sushi I was with Mrs. W. She was amazed I would try it. After we left the restaurant, we ran by Target to pick up a couple things. As we walked in, Mr. Gurgle (Bill's 2 minute warning) hit. I immediately peeled off to the bathroom. Upon entry, there was one other man in there. I swear, within nanseconds of sitting down, a full body purge began. Most of what I remember of the event is sketchy. I do remember hearing the other guy say "Holy, shit!" (ha...good one, buddy). Acording to Mrs. Bill, who was waiting for me, when he came out of the bathroom the guy told his girlfriend/wife that someone was dying in there. My wife thought it was funny.
Fast forward to the more recent. As with most cities, muti-cultural population growth has been significant here....which I think is great. I love learning of cultures from all over the world by talking to people who have been born and raised in them. One culture that has grown sigificantly is the Indian culture. With this growth has come several local Indian restaurants. Considering my limitations, I have respectfully avoided this food. Meaning no insult to anyone....I just didn't think my intestines would hold up well.
Fast forward to last Friday. My friends Kirby, DW and Pete convinced me to try a local Indian place for lunch. Although hesitant, peer pressure got the best of me. We went, I ordered based on their recommendations, and I enjoyed the food. Afterwards, we went back to DW and Pete's office to complete some training....and all went pretty well. I started thinking I had outgrown my problem. I was wrong. If overconfidence isn't one of the deadly sins, it should be (think I need to watch 7 again).
After leaving their office, I went to a grocery store to pick up a couple things before heading home. As I pulled into the parking lot, a little "toot" came out. WOW. I don't think a healthy human should be able to produce a smell like that one. I knew immediately I needed to head to the head. Barnes and Noble was right there. As is usually the case, the bathroom was in the back. Much like one of those power-walkers (eg. Dan Ackroyd in Dr. Detroit)...I quickly strolled to my sanctuary.
After taking care of business...I headed to the store next door. I got about three aisles in...and round II hit. Parking my cart in a safe place, I got to know their bathroom quite well. It was damn cold in there.
Next, after getting the groceries, I started home. Within 10 minutes, I was in need of relief again. This time, a Lowes came to the rescue. You would think bathrooms in a home improvement store would be nice. You would think. I almost pulled a "Jackass" and sat on one of their demo units.
Finally, after being convinced that I had no remaining bodily fluid, I headed home. Home is about 20 minutes away, driving through beautiful Cenral Illinois countryside. Exactly 7 minutes into the ride, I started cramping up again. The recent snow made it impossible for me to pull over....so, for the next 13 minutes I was playing a cruel game of cat and mouse with my sphincter. Toward the end, I was literally screaming..."Not Yet!!!!" I made it home, ran up stairs, and found Z-Dog (10 year old son) on the toilet playing gameboy. While I typically take pride in one of my boys "becoming a man" (sitting on a toilet and reading/playing video games is a right of passing in my book), I was in no condition to compliment him. Fortunately, my lack of skin color told him dad was in need of help....fast.
Approximately 20 minutes later, I was done. Both of my feet were completely asleep....and I can tell you every ingredient in Mrs. W's shampoo and conditioner.
DW/Pete/Kirby....next time you decide to go out for lunch, please don't ask me. I beg you, my family begs you, and the local chamber of commerce begs you. Just go without me.
Weimiegirl, I hope you liked this one
 February 04 A Win and A LessonFirst off....COLTS WIN!!!!!
As I prepared for the big game today, I found out that a couple of the kids had asked buddies over to watch the game and partake in a table full of junk food. I had no problem with that.
However, upon returning home from church this morning, I learned that we all needed to clean the house! I was thinking...pick up the toys, fold the clothes in the basket, vacuum a little.
Nope. Mrs WHW meant we needed to give the cleaning a 100% effort. My reaction....HUH??? Why???
I needed time to dig out my Peyton Manning jersey....my Colts long sleeve t-shirt.....my Colts hat. I needed time to get myself "in the zone". I didn't have time to clean. Wrong answer.
We spent from 11:00 - 4:15 cleaning. Dang. Afterwards, I tried to explain to Mrs. WHW that a super bowl party is NOT the same as a Longaberger basket party. A little clutter, a little mess, a little dust is OK. In fact, if the living room resembles a dorm roomthen we have something good going. However, whata I learned was that the house had to look as good if not better than any of the kids'house that will be here for the party.
Heaven help me if I ever understand things like this...... January 21 The Return Of An Old FriendLet's face it. I am so juiced about the Colts win, I likely won't sleep tonight. So, since I have some time and a lot of energy on my hands, I am posting in any and all of my blogs.
Recently, son #1 had to sell magazine subscriptions for his class to raise funds. Usually, I buy a couple kids magazines for the younger ones when asked in this situation. However, this time I took a stand. I said, "I am buying something for me. No more Nickelodeon magazine!". So, I bought a ESPN, The Magazine subscription...and a subscription to a magazine I used to read long, long ago. I bought a subscription to Mother Earth News.
I have always liked the idea of articles about how to raise tomatoes, how to build your own log cabin, and what the best garden tiller/cultivator is. So, when I saw "Mother" on the list, I had to pull the trigger.
My first issue arrived Saturday. It was promptly stored where all my most prized reading material is placed...in the Longaberger basket next to the throne. As I began thumbing through it, I was happy to see very little had changed.
Then I reached the classifieds at the back of the mag....and started laughing so hard I almost fell off my commode. As others passed by, I was asked several times if I was OK.
Here is a sampling:
January 18 Prelude to a DiscussionSometime this year, I will be joining forces with several of my buddies to post a coordinated discussion about comics....aka graphic novels. Leading up to that, is this odd set of sentences. Keep in mind, in the history of human communications, no discussion of comic book characters EVER assumes the tone that they are fictitious. EVER.
Tonight, as I watched a couple of my kids play an XBox game, I started thinking....The Hulk was a really cool super hero. He has some great comics....had a great TV show, some pretty cool video games, and had a strange, but occasionally entertaining movie. And how about those huge foam Hulk hands that make noise when they are smashed together??!!
The idea of a professor who is exposed to the blast of a gamma bomb...which unleashes his rage into a creature he transforms into is really cool. Add to that story line that, when he changes into the Hulk, everything about him (including skin color) changes drastically....except his waist size. Those Dockers stay put.
How cool was it in the late 70's/early 80's to have Bill Bixby ("Courtship of Eddie's Father", "The Magician") and Lou Ferrigno playing David Banner/Hulk??? TV doesn't get much better than that.
The movie (directed by Ang Lee) was interesting. It had some very cool parts. I sort of liked the occasional splitting of the screen into parts like a comic book page. I also liked the ending, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry". Overall, not a Spiderman II or Superman II....but not a Howard The Duck, either.
So, as we prepare for our upcoming rountable discussion of comics, I will be lobbying heavily for the proper recognition to be given to my man, The Hulk.
January 11 Please, No MoreFirst off, I love my wife very much. She is a wonderful person. I cannot imagine not sharing my life with her.
That being said, I think she is going to make me explode. Permit me to explain.
As most are aware, a recent encouter with a tree left our house needing some repairs. The repairs started a few weeks ago. My wife figured, since the house is a mess anyway, we should do some of our planned home improvement projects at this time. Made perfect sense to me.
Now, it's important to emphasize that I am no Bob Villa. Never have been.....never will be. I can take on the simpler tasks like painting, repairing walls, some of the easier wiring tasks.....but I do know my limitations. However, the bulk of these jobs involved repairing some of our plaster walls, and repainting. Not a big deal, right.
Oh, but wait a minute professor. Before we can paint, we must pick out the new colors. Gotcha. For, you see, yours truly is color blind. If you had seen how I dressed when I was single, you would know how color blind I am. Fortunately, my wife has helped ensure that my work clothes match up nicely. I have always thought that an adult version of Garanimals (elephant shirt with elephant pants) would be a huge hit.
Anyway, as I got home from work the other day, I hear, "Bill. Come to the dining room. It's important." Upon walking into the dining room, I see about 50 sample paint squares scattered on the table. Uh oh.
Here's the conversation:
Mrs: Which color do you like for the basement stairway?
Me: I don't care. It's the basement stairway. (btw, "I don't care is a BAD answer)
Mrs: Oh come on. Do you like this (pointing at one in the middle) or this (pointing at one next to it)?
Me: Aren't they the same color?
Mrs: ??!!!!! No!! This one has more gray in it.
Me: I really don't care (again, bad answer)
Mrs: Come on. I need your help deciding.
Me: OK....this one (pointing at the one nearest me)
Mrs: That one is hideous. (and throws it away)
Me: You know, they all look the same to me....and I really don't care.
Mrs: How about green??? Like this one.
Me: That one looks blue to me....but it's fine.
Mrs: Ugh. Fine. We will paint it orange.
Me: I like orange
Mrs: I was kidding.
Me: I am going upstairs to change. Pick whatever you want. And I really don't want to look at any more colors.
Mrs: Then you probably shouldn't go in our room (at this time she has a very sinister smile)
I walk into the room and see another 20 color squares taped to the woodwork...and 6 more on the comforter.
Me: What is all this????
Mrs: I am trying to find a color that goes with the woodwork and the blanket
Me: I think black goes. I really don't want to do this any more
Mrs: How about this dark green?? (completely ignoring me)
Me: That one is breathtaking. Let's us it.
Mrs: You know, for once I would like you to take something seriously
Me: Please...I am begging you....no more colors. Any color you like is fine with me. ANY.
Mrs: Maybe red or pink
Me: You know. Most of the time I am in here I am sleeping...and it is dark. Maybe black would be cool.
Mrs: I am going downstairs.
Yes, Mrs. shows a lot of patience with me..... December 31 A Man's Shopping ListWe are not big on going to New Years Eve parties. Heck, as a family, we are probably as big as many parties.
We tend to celebrate by staying home, pigging out on junk, and breaking out the sparkling grape juice around 10:00. Then, when midnight hits, break out a beer while Mrs. WHW has some wine (she is just a tad more cultured than me).
So, today, against her better judgment, Mrs. WHW sent me off to the grocery store to get the necessities. Here's the list I came up with (and successfully purchased)
If anyone finds themselves in Central Illinios New Years Eve, and likes the sound of this party, stop by. Should be a great time!!! Happy New Years to everyone.
December 25 Merry ChristmasOver the past year or so, I have met some very, very nice people.
To all of you, I wish a very Merry Christmas. I hope this holiday season finds you and your family happy and healthy.
- Bill
 December 15 WTF???!!??Yo....humanoids....this is Sal the squirrel barking at you from what USED to be my damn bachelor nest. I'm going to be up front with everyone.....if you are easily offended by heartfelt profanity then you need to do two things:
OK, now that we are down to the "adults", I got something to say. Who the hell likes winter??? Show of hands??? Bill, put down your damn hand you dork!! I freakin hate winter. Want to know why????? Well I'm telling you anyway. I hate F'ing winter because it just knocked down my beautiful tree. Yep. The son of a bitch ice storm, along with the gale-force winds brought down the Sal Pad. Hell, I almost ended up in Bill's house. Talk about making a bad situation even worse. Here's how it happened. Thursday night I am all nestled away in my pad, warming my nuts, if you know what I mean. My animal instinct told me that the weather was going to be nasty....that and the sheets of ice I could hear hitting my mutha puss bucket tree. I figured, who cares? I am in one of the biggest, tallest trees around. What could possibly go wrong???? Next morning, as I start to awake from my sleep, I noticed the tree swaying a lot. Yea, the wind was strong, but I figured it would pass as it has every other time. Unfortunately, this wasn't every other time. Just when the winds kicked up a big gust, the f'ing tree starts to fall!! I just about crapped my fur. And it was falling toward Billy Boy's house. It hit the roof and west wall, then slid down the wall. By the time it was done, I was covered with nuts. My place hadn't shook like that since the gray squirrel across the street stopped by for some Sal time. Swing, baby. Well, within minutes, Bill is ouside shaking his head....and that idiot mongrul Spike has come out from his dog house to start barking. Nice job, you dumb mutt. Needless to say, I have had to pack my nuts and move to another tree. So, in the coming weeks, I may be posting about my new digs. Then again, I may just post the f-bomb 300 times. Haven't made up my mind yet. Anyway, I need to split. Got some nut warming to do. Until later.....Sal is signing out. PS: Did I mention that winter can bite my ass?????
December 10 Boy, You Are WeirdRecently, a couple good blog buddies (G and Weimiegirl) tagged me with listing 6 weird things about me. Typically, I stress out about being tagged. They strike me the same way essay assignments hit me in school. However, because these two are good buddies, I will comply.....
There you go. Now, I think I have one last tag to take care of...... December 05 Please Potty, Don't Hurt 'emCan't touch this.....
Hello everyone, this is your Aunt Potty, once again "touch'n' base with my homelies".
Today, I am going to tackle one of my most frequently asked question. It was most recently asked by Bill's nine year old son, Z-Dog. Z-Dog writes,
My my my, Z-Dog, you sure has a colorful vocabulary, don't you? Z-Dog, you have a very common question. Many, usually wifes/mothers, ask me this question. My answer is an emphatic, YES. Yes there is some potty etticate here. Let me explain.
When someone leaves a "bacon strip" inside the toilet, they are obligated to address it either with additional paper/flushes or a squirt of a little saniflush. Either way, you should never leave your calling card in the john. Goodness, that would be like sneezing on a mirror, then just wiping your nose off.
Remember my saying, "Trip to the head, leave it as clean as your bed."
Thanks for the question, Z-Dog.
To all my peepers out there, feel free to send me your potty questions. I live to serve.
Until next time.....I wish everyone many happy flushes.
Tootaloo.
Aunt Potty December 01 Another Mystery Solved....Many have asked me about the love of my life. Many have asked, what type of women would be able to "handle" you? Well, after getting permission from Mrs. WHW, I have been given permission to publish her picture. Here is:
Oh,, The Weather Outside Is FrightfulAnother dupe from the other channel....
Winter weather can be beautiful. Ice and snow on bushes that have Christmas lites looks so nice. A yard covered in snow before the first person steps in it can give you such a warm feeling. Winter weather can be so exciting. Not many things excited me more when I was a kid than an evening/nighttime snowstorm. The thought of a snow day from school kept me checking the window, watching for the snow, praying for the snow. I would listen to the radio early in the morning hoping to hear my school's closure. Winter weather can suck. To quote Wayne in Wayne's World...suck sperm whale. For you see, a combination of ice, snow, and strong winds can bring down a large tree like its a liliac bush. Which brings me to my day today. Last night a nasty ice storm hit us. We ended up losing our power for a while. When it came back on, most of the kids wanted to just sleep in the living room. Early this morning, I awoke to hear wind blowing at 40-50 mph. At about 6:30, one of the older kids runs into our bedroom and announces that school was cancelled. A quick glimpse outside indicated that the ice had changed to snow, and we had a condition of white-out. YES!! No school, and I would work from home. As I settled back into bed a thought crossed my mind. "Wow, that wind is blowing strong." Mrs. WHW commented that, when she was growing up on the farm, there would be winds blowing so strong they would shake her bed. Not more than 5 minutes after she said that, a sound much like a train being driven through our house started. The tree across the alley from our house dropped. In the process of dropping, it took a chunk of our house with it. We spent the day cleaning up some of the mess, calling insurance people, and just wondering what the heck happened. Oh, how many days until spring??????? Here's what it looks like:  November 28 Ten Things That Make Me LaughI'm sure this question has dogged everyone at some time or another. ... "What makes WHW laugh???" Well, as a public service to everyone, here is a partial list (possibly to be continued if anyone finds it funny)....
There you have it. Ten things that tickle my funny bone (insert joke here). Next time you see me walking down the street, stop me....and see if YOU CAN MAKE ME LAUGH. PS. Yes, this is a dupe from my other blog. So sue me. November 22 How Do I Spell Class? EDRecently, one of the classiest news personalities EVER passed away. On November 9th Ed Bradley died.
I respected Mr. Bradley immensely....on a lot of levels.
First, he was a first rate news person. His stories were always well done. Whether the story was about AIDS in Africa or about Columbine. He WAS the reporter others should strive to be.
Second, he was flat out the best interviewer I have ever seen. He could deliver the tough questions to anyone without being a bully or an attacker. Still remember his interview with Timothy McVeigh.
Finally, he was his own man. From his pierced ear to his love of jazz, the man did want he wanted to when he wanted to do it. Yet, while being an individual, he was also an incredible role model for anyone growing up in working class America.
God bless your soul, Mr. Bradley.  November 06 It's Potty Time!Oh, hello, hello, hello. Or, as you youngsters put it...."How is it dangling, G?"
This is your Aunt Potty, dropping by to answer another potty question.
Today's question comes from an emailer named Mr. I.P. Freely Mr. Freely asks,
Aunt Potty, I have a friend who insists on brushing their teeth in the bathroom at work. I happen to know the bathroom at work is very nasty. Is it ok for my friend to take his brush into this bathroom? Isn't it just a little sick?
Mercy, I., this is a stinky situation. However, we must not be judgemental. Your friend isn't sick.....just disturbed. You see, once you open that bathroom door and cross the imaginary stink wall, you have entered a "NO MOUTH" zone. What that means is, under no circumstances are you to put anything to or near your mouth while in there. No to brushing teeth. No to using your hands to drink out of the faucets. No to taking your can of pop in there with you. And by all means, NO to eating while in there.
This is especially in the men's restroom. Being in a men's restroom is just slightly better than wallering around in pig slop.....just slightly. So, please I., please tell your poor friend to use an alternative to brushing in there. Possibly he could brush in the parking lot? Or maybe at his desk, spitting into a cup?
Oh, and I. When you say "I happen to know the bathroom at work is very nasty" I know that means you are a stinker in there. Please, I., think of others before having that brocholi omelet for breakfast next time.
Now, before departing, I want to thank everyone who has told Bill how much you like my posts. He has promised to let me post a little more frequently in the future. Just as a hint, I have a question from Bill's 9 year old about leaving skid marks on the porcelin. That will be our next topic!!!
Until then....tootaloo....
Aunt Potty November 01 HousekeepingCouple items....first, I have posted a new item at my other home.
Second, and much more importantly.....
Happy Birthday, A Train!!!!!!
Son, you are one in a million. October 28 Spike Barks BackHowwwlllldy out there. This is Spike barking out back-to-back posts. I convinced my buddy Bill to let me address a few of the comments/questions you, my wonderful readers, left at my last post.
Well, hope these comments clarify things a little. Thanks again for posting thoughts. At least, when Bill reads them to me on our walks I don't have to hear about another one of his bathroom encounters. Until next time, peace out. Spike October 15 The Circle Of Life
Greetings all. This is Spike, checking in from the DAWG House. To quote John Candy....."Give me some paw!" Love Spaceballs. The Billster has given me the green light to bark out a few paragraphs tonight. He says he has lots of "work" to do. That usually means he is either reading articles on The Onion or in a heated EBay bidding war for another electronic toy. Believe me, he wins another toy like that goofy PSP and he may be sleeping out here with me soon. Hope you like your garage like your beer....cold. What a dork. Anyway, I thought I would share with everyone a fact that seems to be eluding people today.....the food chain is freakin rough. That's right, participants in the food chain KILL other participants. Worm eats bacteria, bird eats worm, Spike eats bird. Simple, efficient. Been this way for millions of years...and will be this way for millions more. Pretty? No. Naturally ruthless? You bet. You may be asking why I feel compelled to give everyone a simple lesson in the circle of life. Well, a little issue happened last night as nerdlinger was walking me. It started out like a normal walk. He was sharing with me a description of some ultra-clean bathroom he used in Gettysburg during his last business trip. Folks, the boy has serious issues. Anyway, as we are walking down the alley, I stumbled upon a recently deceased bird. Likely the victim of that crazy cat Cash. So, I decided to have a little late night snack. I grabbed and ate it in a matter of seconds. Well, you would have thought I had just devoured one of Bill-E-Boys' liter. He starts yelling at me, telling me the crunching noise was gross...how I should eat that swill, healthy weight dog food he buys me instead of a "poor, defenseless animal", blah blah blah. News flash brainiac, when given a choice between bird or sticks and Styrofoam, I will chose bird 150% of the time. Besides, the bird was already dead....or at least close to it. And, by the way Bill, where do you think that hamburger, brat, and chicken breast you so much love comes from? A magical plant??? Keep in mind, it used to be alive....used to have a mom and dad....used to oink/moo/chirp/etc. Now, how do you feel???? Oh, toughen up, puss. Bottom line....I am part of the food chain, and I have an obligation to uphold my part of it. Hey, I am part of the wolf family. I am a couple genes away from being a wild animal, my friend. Don't cross this Cujo. Oh well, better split. I think I hear some chirping over by that old log. Hmmmmmm. Until next time. Be cool. Spike October 04 Remember When David Soul Had A Hit Song?As I sit here at midnight working, I decided to listen to some tunes. After rummaging through some old CD's, I came across a wonderful CD given to me by my buddy Chris. It consists of some of the best 70's hits ever. Below is my current playlist...just a subset of the CD. There are some GREAT group names in this list. CL, let me know if you want a copy of this CD ;>)
And, of course, "Don't Give Up On Us" - David Soul |
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