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8月11日 With Respect to The OnionAnother one of those nights....
One of my favorite sites is The Onion. Sometimes it goes a little farther with the satire than I would...but for the most part, I think it is hilarious. In fact, as you can probably tell from this Space's content, deep down inside I would love to write for a living. Of course, writing still takes a back seat to my prefered profession.
With this in mind, I plan to sporadically pay tribute to my favorite site by mimicking one type of article they occasionally have that always makes me laugh....the Point/CounterPoint, like this one .......
Point
I Am The Greatest Burger
by the Big Mac
 I am the greatest burger on the planet. As the song says, I have two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle, onions on a seseme seed bun. Damn, that sounds good, doesn't it? Not just regular sauce....special sauce. Oh, my buddy Whopper would have you think his "grilled" flavor gives him an advantage. He is about as incorrect as his commercials and french fries are lame. I don't need no stinkin' smoked flavoring. I'm two all-beef patties. I'm a mouthful. I cannot be eaten while driving. I'm freakin' huge. I am served in a box, for crying out loud. Not some wax paper...a box.
And, by the way, is there any restaurant "mascot" any scarier than the BK King? That dude and those bizarre king-kong commercials with the giant King have sent many a kid to their parent's bedroom at 2:00 am screaming. Either go with a cartoon character or go with a live character. Pick one.
Remember, when I am teamed with my buddies the McDonalds French Fries..and chased with a massive super sized 64 ounce drink, you will walk away completely stuffed and satisfied. That's probably why we are sitting at over 5 trillion sold....and selling more everyday.
So, Mr. Whopper, take you char-broiled story and pick on the Monster Burger or the Wendy's Double. Because that crap doesn't fly under my golden arches.
CounterPoint
You are Kangaroo Meat
by the Whopper
 Two all-beef patties my lower bun. If, by "all-beef" you mean a mysterious meat from a marsupial, then you are correct. Otherwise, shut up with the marketing crap and listen carefully. I am the greatest burger on the planet. I am cooked on an OPEN GRILL. I don't need two patties. I am one monstrous, juicy patty. You are huge??!! Brother, I am gigantic. I defy someone to eat me one handed. Ain't gonna happen. And I'm Atkins friendly, using only two buns instead of your oddball three.
Wonder why Mr. BM has to rely so heavily on the happy meals to get people into his grease-ridden, TGI Fridays wanna be restaurants. Could it be that the only way adults will eat his swill is if they have a screaming three year old demanding another Hot Wheels car? Probably.
And, if I were you, I wouldn't take this discussion into the "mascot" arena. I have seen your clown at some of the local establishments here, and they resemble Tommy Lee with lipstick.
Keep in mind, I don't need "friends" like french fries to make me filling. I would prefer they not be served with me. I want the full attention of my customer.
So, BM, go back to your arches, and your snot nosed peeps, and leave the feeding of adults to me.
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